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July 7, 2019

The day the earth stopped spinning on its axis for that millisecond

The day I felt your heart stop as if it were my own

The day a part of my soul left and was taken up with yours

I heard code blue

I jumped up, because I knew

I felt my adrenaline overtake while others kept talking

I felt you leaving; didn’t they feel that

You were there the moment I came into this world

I was there the moment you left

The ICU was locked

The nurses said no one could come in

The door was going to shut

I ran in behind them anyway

I knew there was no where else I could be

I knew I had to be strong

I knew I had to be there

I knew this was the end of my life as it had been

On this day one year ago, I saw the image of my hero, my protector, my best friend of 37 ½ years leaving me, leaving this earth

On this day one year ago, I dropped to my knees and cried out for you not to go but I could feel you leaving

I knew you couldn’t stay

I didn’t want to know

I didn’t want to accept

I knew you had to leave that day, that hour, that morning

I didn’t want to say goodbye

I didn’t know such pain existed so I cried

I cried out to Yahweh

I cried, pleading as I wept

On this day one year ago

It feels like it’s been a thousand years

It feels like it’s been only minutes

It feels like I will never find myself again

It feels like a nightmare that I will awake from

On this day one year ago

My life forever changed

My world forever dimmed

My heart forever broke

I will see you again

I will hear your laugh again

I will hear your strong and operatic voice again

I will continue to make you proud while I am here

I will find a new way to live

I will be everything you raised me to be

I will carry you close to me this day and each I have left

Does the energy of those around you give back? Does it envelope you with love, or does it take, control and manipulate?

The higher you vibrate the more lower vibrations become intolerable. I have let lower vibrational frequencies get too close to me many times. In my case, all my life I wanted to heal brokenness. This has often not come out in a soft way. It can come across as abrupt, intense, forceful and uncomfortable. Other instances, soft and understanding. I believe part of what my purpose here on earth to do is to help push people out of stagnation. Force them into the uncomfortable so that they may look at their own shadows and through that find their own potential.

It started from birth really. Or at least when I was cognizant enough to begin to understand human emotion, interaction and reaction. I had to learn and develop how to soften my natural need to always tell the exact blunt, truth. I didn’t understand my level of empathy, and it could come across as curt, when in reality the undertone was often meant to pull out what came inherently to the individual. I found I became so used to trying to fix and heal what I didn’t break, but often what tried to constantly break me, I was inadvertently pushing myself aside.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have pushed buttons to push them many times in my past. We all have a past, and we all have places that, hopefully, we continue to remedy and fine tune over time. Even in that, if someone is able to strike a deep nerve, that is when you should step back and ask yourself why. Why does that interaction cause your reaction? There is a place for internal development when we step back. Certainly, there are those that only want to bring you down to their own lower frequency and cause pain. So you must use your own discernment and be able to identify the difference. The stronger your own inner-knowing of yourself, the easier that becomes. Once you are able to look in the mirror, peeled inside out, which is not easy, you strengthen your bond within you. This is what brings out your higher-self.

If this sounds like a bunch of non-sense, read about CIA agents. What they use to develop and scope out intelligence. Intuition and the further development of the pineal gland. Look into retired agents that can pick up on what someone they are interrogating is going to say before they say it. Or the subtle cues that the mass majority of people fail to see.

People are broken in many ways for many different reasons. I have had my own fair share of that introduced far too young. I would not change it though. It taught me and has molded me to pick up on that same brokenness in others at times. Often without them having to tell me. The older I get, like that of any instrument, the more finely tuned I become with these senses.

Being able to have a small part in a person’s life that aides to heal them is a powerful tool. It is one that we all have the ability of implementing in our lives. It can manifest in many forms, as we all have unique talents that are individual to us alone. Some might be more keen to this. My way is certainly not for everyone. When you trigger someone they can go one of two ways. This could lead to a deeper connection or perhaps a need for them to escape you as fast as possible. Each person’s journey is their own.

What I have learned is being more aligned with tempering this and my own energy. Too often I gave too much. Too often I let that stagnant energy reside or envelope my own. This is a hinderance. This lowers your own vibration and you are no longer serving the greatest good for yourself or for others. When you look at people as energy, learn how to take in what is beneficial, aide where you can, and leave or put down what you have to that is not yours to begin with.

Any time you come home and you are carrying that weight you feel on your shoulders or lower back after interaction, check to see where it comes from. It may not be your own. Learn how to be a light for others without becoming an obstacle for yourself.

You have the ability to be a hero in someone’s life and you may never know that you are. Sometimes people fall in the lap of others and leave a lasting impact long after they have gone unbeknownst to them. What kind of impact do you want to leave long after you have left?

The stronger and more confident you are, the more likely you will come across people who want to conquer you. Those that do this will loose to their own game without you having to be anything but exactly who you are. If they are smart they will recognize, realize and release their toxic behavior. If not, who wants to involve themselves with unintelligent people in the first place? I know I don’t. And yes, there are different kinds and levels of intelligence.

If someone truly cares for you, they will want to change and grow to be the best version of themselves for you. If they are still living and operating on a lower vibration of pride and selfish behavior, they will drive themselves crazy when you don’t take the bait. Just be yourself, do what you do. Never, EVER feel the need to prove yourself to someone who hasn’t earned that.

Never feel like you lost anything if a person like this temporarily dismisses you. Two things are true: one being you do not want someone who wants to control or own space in your life. An equal partner or friend both gives and receives. They are both strong and soft. They can do this because they respect your confidence and also possess confidence of their own. The second being people who attempt this come back around. They can come back for one of two reasons:

If someone like this comes back with the realization of their behavior and openly acknowledges your value, let them in if you see fit. Especially if they come with an earnest heart of acknowledgment and apology. We are all learning, growing and developing. We all have insecurities and parts of us that need further nourishment. This is part of life. Depending on your current situation and intention, perhaps a second chance will be the right decision.

If someone comes back because they didn’t get their way and they want to try a different tactic of manipulation, just be sure to always trust your own intuition. Ask questions. Someone who purposely avoids or won’t communicate isn’t worth your time. And of course, words are not enough. Actions over time display the inner workings of a man’s heart.

People who play games end up being the losers. Anyone who tries to put you in a competition or wants you to feel like you need to compete is absolutely not worth your time. I already know I am irreplaceable and if you try to play me you will only play yourself. If someone says things such as, you were too good to be true or I didn’t deserve you; well then you were, you are and they don’t. We are not here to be owned by another person, compete for attention and affection, or lessen our own shine and confidence for someone who doesn’t know how to shine without dimming the light of others.

Keep shining. Don’t worry about someone who let you go. If you know your value and what you bring to the table and they slept on you, they will live to regret it. They saved you time and they lost. When they come back around, which they always do, just make sure they come correct. I absolutely believe in forgiveness and growth. I always want to see the good in people and I give second chances because I know I have needed that given to me. I also know that whomever comes in or out of my life will only stay if we both contribute something to the other. That’s where value comes in.

Everyday is another chance to do things differently. We all make mistakes. Just don’t let anyone think they can possess you. You are not a toy on a shelf that can be picked up and put down at the leisure of someone else. If someone bites you, bite their ass back. I bet they won’t do it again. 😉

I am a person who used to be more closed off, but now I am finding myself more willing to go out of my comfort zone, when I feel the need, to let someone know their importance to me. Some people may perceive this as a weakness, or perhaps giving away power. I do not agree. There is a difference between being a doormat and relying on the reaction, perception or follow up actions of another versus giving of yourself freely without expectation. When you have expectation as your motivation, that is giving away your power.

It’s similar to the saying you see all the time of I don’t chase I attract. The runner/chaser dynamic is unhealthy. It is one I have played in the past, quite a bit at times. As I begin to dive into why that was a temptation for me and what I needed to heal to release that tendency, the more well being I begin to feel. These are attributes that don’t go away overnight. I can still get triggered and regress, the difference is I am quicker to recognize and ground myself when these old traits pop up.

Once I really believed in and knew myself on a deeper level, the less interest that held for me. This also gave me the freedom to more openly express myself to others when I chose to. If I feel the desire or need to express a feeling to someone I will do so. I do it without expectation or reaction. There is a sense of freedom in this that is hard to explain. On the other hand, if I choose to refrain or stay quiet, I do this without questioning it as well. As long as I know my reason and I feel it is coming from a healthy place and not one lead by fear.

An Example: Approaching/Telling someone who perhaps has wronged you that they have done so. You enter into this exchange knowing that person may not have the emotional maturity to take responsibility, but you are able to do so with zero expectation from them. You have let go of needing the other person’s reaction or lack there of to impact your reason for your approach. Some people may look at this as begging for a response, or desperation. It is only the latter based on your intent. No one knows your intention but you until you choose to voice that and follow it up with action. Your consistent action and character in time will do the work for you. Others will begin to see your intentions more clearly. Those that don’t are not for you. Some people are too lazy or clouded by their past, stuck in mental obstacles and battles they have willingly chose not to overcome to see clearly. That is a choice, whether acknowledged or not, and one you have to accept. Either way, the perception and judgement of others should not be a driving force for who you are and how you move.

I have come to place that my only intention is to honor and be true to myself. Being empathetic, I can sometimes feel there is a need inside someone even if they don’t outwardly show it. If I have a connection and desire I may choose to share a piece of my heart even if I know it won’t be returned outwardly. Usually, when you are connected and in tune with someone you can feel their unspoken dialogue energetically, and perhaps, that’s enough. So choose to express your love, admiration or loyalty to someone even if you know they may not be in a place to reciprocate that if you truly care for someone or something. Do it from a place of peace and acceptance without expectation or care for what you receive in return.

This is the difference between an opportunist character versus a person of genuine character. This will directly fulfill your own soul in what you could call a “selfish” way. The peculiar thing that is often overlooked is you will find internal satisfaction the more you do this. The powerful part being the satisfaction completely from and within yourself.

Humans all have a level of selfishness. Not all selfishness is negative. By standing on business, devotion to your own heart, intuition and truth, you are showing yourself a deeper love. Even a perceived emotionally checked out person may need to hear and feel your loyalty or care. If your heart is compelled to express that, knowing they will turn away, express it anyway. The outward perception is not always what is happening internally. There might be a reason you are compelled to share that with them. So release the expectation of what you may get back. If you love someone tell them. If you appreciate someone let them know. Those you value in life should know their importance to you. Express this freely. Don’t be embarrassed, feel shame or rejection if the response isn’t reciprocal. You never know when it may be your last chance. Life is fleeting and tomorrow is never promised.

Appreciate your own ability to be authentic. It isn’t our job to change others and it also does not serve you to lower or downplay who you are. The more you learn to connect with yourself and be proud of honoring what makes you authentic, the more peace you will feel. This may sound hokey, but it is true nonetheless.

I can tell you with certainty, the more I have connected with being open and vulnerable without expectation, the deeper my inner-peace has changed me. I still have stumbles, outbursts, say the wrong things, get down on myself, all of it. But I see and feel the improvements. I have a deeper peace and comfort with who I am today than I did a year ago. Everyday I choose to be better I become better.

I have a lot of experience and personal life story wins from manifesting. It’s a powerful, God-given, natural tool all humans have the ability to tap into. Now with certain situations, the pure belief that something that is in a place, which is now out of your control, can be turned into something positive by confident belief is enough.

There have been times where in particularly scary and uncertain situations I held a strong belief of inner-knowing that God had a certain set of circumstances thrown at me, not to give me the worst case scenario, but to ultimately deliver me from a much more bleak outcome. I have a few personal examples of this I will dive further into in future publications. The situations I found myself in were no doubt strenuous and stressful. What set them apart was the calm I had; a confident inner-knowing that the circumstance was larger than what the scope of that I could see directly in front of me. That this seemingly dire situation was brought about in order to stop me from getting into something much, much worse. That I would not end up with the worst possible outcome because I was understanding, acknowledging and learning the lesson.

On the other hand, though I do believe that we all have magic inside of us. The more connected and in-tune we are with the universe and our creator, the more we are able to bring and call upon and into our lives. Manifestations don’t just come because we say so. We have to not only believe, but do the work. You can say you will live in a yacht and be waited on hand and foot in a year, but if you make no intentional movements forward to attain the goals, dreams and desires of your life, they are more than likely not going to ever be anything more than a daydream.

Daydreaming and fantasizing is a great tool. Having visualizations in your mind’s eye is the beginning to forming a new portal into an alternative future. That is the first step, the next is finding ways to begin to walk forward into this new portal. Living with and by intention in confidence is the key to formation.

Please do dare to dream, dream big! Just don’t forget to come back down from the clouds long enough to make sure that your actions, intentions and heart are following suit. Most importantly lead with accountability and integrity. Acknowledge your weaknesses and find ways to overcome them. Never be too proud to humble yourself not only with inward acknowledgment, but to others as well. That is true inner strength. Looking at someone and being able to admit defeat or wrong doing, whether by error or with intent speaks to the content of your character and soul. The stronger the person, the greater the manifester.

There are many ways you can be rich or poor. This isn’t about monetarily speaking, it’s about overall character depth. I actually do not enjoy people who lead or use what they have or don’t have as an excuse or an attribute. I don’t care what’s in your bank account but I do care what is in your brain and heart account. If you are ambitious and have passion, grit & tenacity that’s attractive. If your soul is pure that’s rich and if you are morally bankrupt, that’s broke. But the more you believe you are the more you become. Abundant mindset attracts abundance and lack mindset attracts lack. I am abundant because I choose to be.

Attributes of a Rich Mindset: Attributes of a Poor Mindset

Lives for today: Lives and dwells on the past

Assist others in their success and encourage: Only cares about themselves even if that means walking over others

Take accountability for and learn from mistakes: Avoids and makes excuses

Doesn’t complain: Blames and complains constantly

Continue to learn, never stop: Thinks they already know everything and is closed

Quit bad habits: Afraid to commit to different

TAKES ACTION, HERE AND NOW: Procrastinates due to fear and change

PSA of the day: I spent the weekend in the sun and my pool for relaxation, centering myself and calming my mind. That time in the sun and water tends to brings out my deep and calm thoughts. My wheels began to turn and I felt compelled to share this.

If you get triggered or offended easily and act unemotional, that just means you are very emotional. It’s not a bad thing, but it speaks to something deeper; negating what and who you actually are. The more you ignore it, the deeper the wound you create. Consequently, you shoot yourself in the foot. Additionally, people with emotional intelligence see right through this avoidance. You either are forced, or left only with the company acquaintances/peers, of lesser cerebral intelligence who don’t have the capacity to see you. (Sounds stimulating) or no one ever really knows you and over time you don’t know yourself. Then you wonder why you feel this gaping hole inside you can’t fill. You also loose out on what is truly craved, to be seen. People with higher emotional depth tend to not entertain, stay around with any longevity, or tolerate this kind of falsified persona.

I don’t know who needs to read that but every step in life is a choice. No one is perfect but take steps forward. Face your shadows, make them your bitch.

I would rather “embarrass” myself (use that loosely because as long as I say what my truth is I really am not embarrassed regardless of the outcome) but be myself, than work hard to hide it. Also I find the more I put myself out there and say whatever I feel, even if I know it may not be well received, I feel better. I can release it. If I don’t get the outcome I would like it’s still okay because I know I gave what I could. Then it isn’t on me, if it still didn’t go in my favor that just means something even better is around the corner. That’s also how the universe works. Give to yourself, be bold, seek what you want. If one thing doesn’t work but you do what is best for your highest good with pure intentions to yourself, for yourself and for others’, you will get what you want. Maybe just in a different form, but even better perhaps than what you initially desired.